I think of Hope as a dirty little four-letter word. When I say this, people seem taken aback or annoyed with me. Hope is beautiful, right? It’s something to hold on to when life becomes dark. It’s what stories of triumph give us for ourselves and our loved ones. It can arguably even keep us alive. Hell, Hope is so revered that parents bestow it as a name upon their children. Obama wrote a whole book about it.
I get it. Hope can motivate. Hope can inspire. Hope can keep you going when everything feels impossible.
But here’s what I see after 25+ years as a therapist: Hope has been bastardized into wishful thinking. It’s become emotional anesthesia—a way to feel like you’re doing something when you’re actually doing nothing. It’s what people say when they mean “I’m not taking action and I’m praying things magically improve.”
“Let’s hope so!” someone says about their failing marriage.
“I’m hoping this year will be different,” says the person who’s said the exact same thing for five years running.
“I hope my boss finally recognizes my work,” mutters the employee who’s never once asked for a promotion.
And I want to yell: Stop hoping. Start planning.
I’ve sat across from countless people who “hoped” their way into staying completely stuck. The woman who hoped her partner would change while doing nothing to address the actual problems in the relationship. The man who hoped his anxiety would fade while avoiding every strategy that might actually help. The parent who hoped their kid would suddenly become motivated while maintaining the exact same dynamic that wasn’t working.
Hope without action isn’t optimism—it’s denial with better PR.
Here’s the thing about hope: it feels good. It temporarily soothes the anxiety of uncertainty while requiring absolutely nothing of you. It’s the psychological equivalent of scrolling social media instead of going to sleep—it feels like you’re doing something when you’re actually avoiding something.
The Dark Side of Hope:
- Hope delays decision-making
- Hope keeps us in harmful situations longer
- Hope lets others off the hook (“I hope my partner changes”)
- Hope absolves us of responsibility
- Hope feels virtuous while keeping us powerless
And this time of year? New Year’s hope is everywhere. “I hope this year is different.” “I’m hoping to finally lose weight/find love/change careers/be happy.” But hope without a plan is just suffering on repeat with a fresh calendar.
So what’s the alternative?
Stop hoping. Start planning. Get specific. Take action.
Here’s what that actually looks like:
1. Name what you actually want—not what you hope happens, but what you want to make happen. “I want to have difficult conversations with my partner about our relationship” is different from “I hope things get better.”
2. Identify what’s in your control—not what you wish others would do, but what YOU can actually do. You can’t control whether your boss gives you a promotion. You can control whether you ask for one.
3. Make one concrete plan—with specific actions and actual dates. “I will schedule a conversation with my partner on January 10th” beats “I hope we communicate better someday.”
4. Take the first small step this week—not someday, not eventually, not when you feel ready. This week. Monday. Tomorrow.
In my practice, I’ve watched people transform their lives not through hope, but through small, consistent actions. The client who stopped hoping their marriage would improve and instead scheduled couples therapy. The person who stopped hoping their career would magically shift and instead updated their resume and reached out to three contacts. The parent who stopped hoping for a better relationship with their teen and instead committed to fifteen minutes of undistracted time together daily.
None of them hoped their way to change. They planned it. They did it.
So as we head into 2025, I’m challenging you: What are you hoping for that you could actually plan for? What are you wishing would change that you could take one concrete step toward changing?
Because here’s the truth I’ve learned both as a therapist and as a human: Hope is what you feel while you’re standing still. Action is what gets you somewhere different.
Stop hoping. Start doing.
What’s one thing you’re going to DO (not hope for) in January?